Best Headline, EVER

So last night I was checking my email on my phone, and I received an email that made me stop in my tracks. After years of overexposure to TMZ, The Soup, Perez Hilton, E!, etc., it takes a lot to shock me. But this my friends, did it.

Don't get me wrong. I am an avid listener and supporter of rap & hip-hop, and if I could come back as anyone on this planet, it would be the icon of our generation, Ricky Rozay. So yes, I was intrigued by Suge Knight's headline. But below, in all it's glory, US Weekly wrote the best copy of all time - "Padma Lakshmi Posts Amazing Bikini Pic, But Is That a Penis?"


I'm sorry....did you just think you would slip such a headline past us? AND WHY IS THAT NOT THE TOP BREAKING NEWS?


(To be fair, the story was a complete let down because Padma herself suggested it was a penis on her Instagram caption, which completely kills this story, but in the line of fair, and ethical journalism, I felt the need to mention it. Because after all, this is an ethical, morally-sound blog right? Just wait till it gets nominated for a Pulitzer, bitches)

Oh, TGIF, and I'll be sure to charge my phone battery tonight.

Juno Was a Tease. Oh and Kim K.

Don't get me wrong, I will take any excuse to not go in to work. Plus being born and raised in Florida means snow is extra thrilling. So I welcomed this so-called state of emergency blizzard named Juno with open arms, and was looking forward to bundling up indoors with Netflix, complex carbs like Cheetos, (that I was worried New York would suddenly run out of in 48 hours) and my fleece onesie.

But like every other aspect of his term, Bill de Blasio was once again a hype girl, and made New Yorkers look like a bunch of wussies that can't weather a few inches of snow. However, I still took advantage of the snow day, making the trek up to CP so I could take the perfect basic betch photo of the views from the boat basin and Sheeps Meadow. I even had had a Starbucks in my hand, a cigarette, Ray-Ban mirrored lens glasses, and a hot pink beanie on. I was one Instagram-of-Uggs-in-the-snow-away form actually becoming a basic betch.

It was fucking freezing, and I kept expecting to see Kim Kardashian prancing around in her furkini. I'll take any excuse to hashtag "boots with the fur," but why would she wear a merkin for her 25 million followers, and WHY HAS NO ONE MENTIONED THIS YET?!

mer·kin:   noun \ˈmərkə̇n\ An artificial covering of hair for the pubic hair. AKA a pubic wig.

@kimkardashian Instagram

Oh by the way, I'm writing again. 

BOOM: How to Shut Down Your Haters 101

I had every intention today of posting my best dressed list for the 2014 Golden Globes, but my work load today had other plans, and there is a pile on my desk two feet tall that must be addressed before tomorrow. Therefore, that will have to wait until tomorrow. However, when I scouring the Internet for pictures of the gorgeous gowns this morning, I came across this tidbit on Cosmopolitan.com. 

Apparently, Twitter was blowing up last night with the negative comments about Gabourey Sidibe and the dress that she chose. With numerous hateful and fat-shaming comments, reading the feedback was disgusting. Like, we get it people--she's plus sized. Do you REALLY THINK she doesn't know, and isn't incredibly aware of this fact?

So in response to the negative comments and haters, this was Gabourey's response:

BOOM.

AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE FOLKS! Who gives a fuck what she looks like when you're bank rolling, and doing what you love?

I don't know why I'm even in awe of her response, because Gabourey is known for being sassy, and just not giving a fuckity fuck what anyone thinks.

I know, I know, it's unhealthy, and not an ideal body type for a long life, but who is the public to tell her that? That's between her and her doctor, and APPARENTLY the rest of America.

and whoever doesn't agree with me, should go listen to Beyonce's "Flawless" and listen to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's excerpt.  

 Like, now. And get a soul while you're at it.

Fat Shaming at its Finest

We've all heard of muffin tops, and I recently learned about bingo wings. (Which according to UrbanDictionary.com, my source for all terms "trendy" and frankly, made-up means, "The hanging fat that swings from an obese womans upper arms when they are raised and shaken while shouting 'Bingo!' during a tournament").

However, the latest "buzz word" to add to your list of fat-shaming terms is buffalo hump. You've probably never heard of this, but you've definitely seen it. Naturally, I learned about this on the Daily Mail, in an article on how the percentages of people getting plastic surgery are steadily on the climb.

But a "buffalo hump" is the deposit of fat on the upper back, that sits below the neck. The bulge gives a Quasimodo effect, from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Having poor posture certainly doesn't help the look of the buffalo hump either, as it angers the beast, and it rears its ugly head.

Still don't know what I'm referring to? As I was writing this and googling photos of this unfortunate condition, I saw that The Frisky has already written an article about this, and giving the topic far more justice than I am right now.

IMPORTANT: Hard-Hitting News

This falls under the WTF category.

You will assume that this post also falls under the laziness category, because it's so short. But I figured I've provided wayyy too much lecturing/rambling lately, and not enough randomness. (Though yesterday's was a  pretty random list--in case you can't tell, my personality is all over the place.)

But today, I was checking the Daily Mail like I do everyday, and not surprisingly, this headline caught my eye. Whoever wrote this, high five, because your job might be even cooler than the guy who writes the headlines for the New York Post. (I'll elaborate on that later, because it's seriously my dream job.)

Yes, you read that correctly. "Ex-wife of Cormac McCarthy pulled silver handgun from her genitals during argument with boyfriend over space aliens."

It doesn't add to the story, but just FYI Cormac McCarthy is the Pulitzer Prize winning writer, who has written novels like The Road and No Country for Old Men. 

BUT POINT IS--this is hard-hitting news. I mean, obviously I'm going to read it because I love reading trash, and it is the Daily Mail after all, my source for any dire or important information. You know, things like is Kim K losing her hair? What is the age difference between Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse? Is Cara Delevigne making out with Michelle Rodriguez? What does Dwayne Wade's new baby momma look like?

But seriously, I'm fucking done. I can look no further for the most intriguing news line of all time, and the most fascinatingly trashy story I've ever read. This is AMURICA, folks!

Dating with Tinder: The Do's and Don'ts

The other day, the worst possible thing happened.

Okay not really, but I was on Tinder, and saw THIS SCREEN.

My initial first thought was "Oh my god, I've been through every single male in New York." Which (doing the quick math/assumption that the male to female ratio is 50:50--which it's not) means I've passed or "approved" through all 4.5 MILLION MEN in New York?!

While my friend later confirmed that she too was seeing this screen, and this is a common Tinder bug, that's not the point. The point is, it got me thinking about what is wrong with Tinder, and what makes people "pass" or "approve" the people they're offered.

For those of you that are just joining 2013, let me inform you on what Tinder is. It's an app that based on your location, helps you find people nearby to meet/casually date/hookup/whatever you want. To set up a profile, you upload the best pics of yourself, choose if you're into men or women, select an age range, and write a tag line about yourself. Relying on anonymity, it allows you to meet a people based solely on their looks, as there is no other real info provided, except their age. If the person likes you back, (but really your pictures) you get a match, and then you can open your messages to begin conversation with them. And while it seems incredibly superficial, and borderline creepy, this app is a big deal, and everyone is on it. If you don't believe me, go on it for 5 seconds, and see everyone from past teachers, to neighbors, to your dreaded ex. While I normally would find this disturbing (HAS ANYONE SEEN AMERICAN PSYCHO?! He could casually bring a chainsaw on the date/be a serial killer) it actually really works. In a city notorious for its difficulty in meeting people, a large number of my girlfriends have been on several successful dates, met some nice guys, and one of them is even in a great relationship, all from Tinder. Essentially, you get to stalk people based on their appearance, in the privacy of your own home. You think they're hot, you click the green heart. Wanna pass? You click the red "x." You get the idea.

While I am not one of those people who has found success, or even been on a tinder date, as I can't quite wrap my head around the whole online dating thing, I do enjoy going on Tinder to see who is on there and who I'm matched with. While this is purely narcissistic and superficial, again, it's anonymous, so don't judge me.

Bottom line, in my extensive creeping, I have definitely noticed some things that catch my eye in the pictures and make me "approve," as well as what turns me off, and makes me "pass." Below are my findings, and what's sad is that you would think most of this is common sense....

-THE DO's and DONT's of TINDER PICTURES-

Do:

-Travel pictures. So you look all cultured and shit, and like you leave your apartment, hell the zip code occasionally.

-A picture of you out, showing that you can be social and have a good time.

-Doing something active. Play a sport? Triathlete? Hot.

-You in a tux. Like from a wedding. Girls are suckers for a guy in a tuxedo. Just don't upload one with the bride, not only is that misleading, but stupid.

-YOU AND A DOG. Preferably puppy. Not posed is critical, but playing Frisbee with your golden retriever? Laying on the couch with your bulldog? Game over, I'll see you in 5.

-You at work. Hey, doesn't hurt if we know you're employed right off the bat. You're hardworking, clearly have some business/SOCIAL skills, and I know you can afford to pay for dinner.

Don't-- These are KEY:

-Stand next to someone who is 6'5. It's fine if you're short, we aren't assholes. But it just makes you look bad. I'm sorry, it's one of those harsh facts of life, and girls love their heels. Your height doesn't matter, just don't hurt your chances.

-Pose with a child. I'm not saying don't be a proud parent, and I appreciate how upfront you are from the get-go if it IS your child, but save that bomb for the third date. Cause 1) Why are you exploiting your child? 2) Who goes on Tinder to see baby pics? 3) We don't want no baby mama drama.

       **and if it's NOT your child, it doesn't matter, because as I just proved, we assume it is.   Otherwise, why would you pose with a child on a DATING SITE?

-Post a picture of you and a girl. I don't care if it's your sister. We assume it's your girlfriend. Why wouldn't we? Which leads to, you're not a one woman man, i.e. player, which leads to a "pass."

-Post only one picture. It's creepy, and makes us think you've never done anything else but that one event in your life where this picture is taken. Not to mention, if you only post one extremely hot picture of yourself, we assume it's just the best photo of you ever taken, and that's not how you actually look in real life. Or on the flip side, if it's only an OK picture, we assume "Wow, if that's your best picture, you are not good looking." So upload more than one, just to provide reinforcement on what you look like, and give us a better idea of what we're getting ourselves into.

-Post the same picture twice, and only have two pictures. Do you HAVE a social life?

-Post only several group shots. We don't know which one you are. Maybe you're intending to deceive us, but regardless we think you don't stand out, and assume you aren't confident/unattractive. Plus, no one cares enough to take the time to cross-reference the pictures and determine who you are. I swipe through people so fast it would make your head spin.

-Blatantly blackout pics. One is fine, cause who doesn't like to party? (If you don't, gross.) But alcoholics aren't welcome.

-SELFIES IN THE MIRROR. (I cannot stress this one enough.) Says so much about you, it's not even worth getting into. Cause if you don't know what a selfie implies/says about someone, you are one of those people, and need to get a life. This is not MySpace, and flashes in the mirror are so 2001.

-Pics where you're pretending you weren't the photographer cause you're "busy" doing whatever thing you're trying to draw attention to in the picture. You obviously took the picture--we weren't born yesterday. Oh you HAPPEN to be posed on the couch "sleeping?" Oh a selfie of you drinking--cause you're cool. Now I assume you have no friends cause you had to take a picture of yourself drinking alone. (and again, alcoholics not welcome.)

-A blatant "this is my sexy look pose." (almost coincides with selfies in the mirror, but slight variation.) Men should never pose, EVER. This is the almost the golden rule. It's the female equivalent of the duck face, and don't even get me started on that. You're supposed to be chopping wood, trading bonds, and drinking beer, and "oh someone happens to catch a picture of you doing said things." Not setting up your own personal photo shoot complete with a pageboy cap and your sexy tie and "smoldering stare."

-Flexing in the mirror in a wife beater. I left Florida for a reason. Or now that I'm in New York, I can say, "there's a reason why I'm never going to the Jersey Shore."

----Fellas, if you know what's good for you, you'll take my advice. It might be harsh, and based on assumptions, but it is genuinely how girls think..and if I do say so myself, if they DON'T think like this, you don't want them anyway ;)

The Keys to Success in the Workplace

I've recently started a new job, so I'm going to spare you the excuses of why I haven't written in awhile. After almost three months of interviews, endless preparation, constant anxiety, and finally success, I have the time to write again. But that too might change again, once I learn the ropes and it all picks up. I landed a job in one of my dream companies so I'm thrilled, but going through this strenuous and stressful process really taught me a lot about myself. In fact, I almost feel like the lessons I learned in applying to this job, are greater than the lessons I've learned living thus far in New York, and taking that big life plunge. However, there's some valuable information that I've gathered the last few weeks, a combination of experience, trial and error, and critical advice from my former  boss/VP in Atlanta, that I feel I must share to the world. (maybe even write a book?) Being 23 (almost 24) years old means I come from a generation of kids who all go to college, (and I'm generalizing hugely here, I know it's a major, major privilege to go to college, and have that opportunity--I'm just saying in my SES' circle, its very common and an absolute necessity) all have dabbled at jobs, and all have this innate sense of entitlement. Nowadays, going to college does not guarantee you a job. To us, going to college is what it meant for our grandparents to complete high school. It's just done, you must do it--you don't have an option if you want a successful career. But that is simply not enough. We all feel entitled because we feel we've paid our "dues" and done exactly what our high school guidance counselor or college advisor told us, but it is the hustle, and ATTITUDE that gets you ahead. My generation is always looking for "THAT BIG SECRET" to get ahead, and they want to rise in the ranks, quickly. Unreasonably so in fact, and I've always been one of them. But in reality, there is no secret. It's hard work, and making yourself invaluable that gets you ahead. You see, all we've known is getting an education. In school, you did what you were told, completed your assignments, and you were rewarded by going to the next level and advancing to the next grade. At a job, there is no automatic advancement. "Doing your job" only means you aren't fired. You are EXPECTED to do your job. There are rarely rewards, there are firings. So to make it to the "next grade" or receive a promotion, the only way is to make yourself invaluable, and to do your job so well, and always be so many steps ahead of your bosses, that they promote you because they are SCARED TO LOSE YOU. No one is guaranteed a promotion, no one can simply "get ahead" quickly, and the attitude of entitlement will only carry you farther from your dream, as no hardworking, older boss of yours, will appreciate some young punk who feels they deserve their job, and can do it better than them. In fact, based on this point, if you have the right attitude, common sense, and performance, I would even argue that for some jobs (unless you want to be a doctor, lawyer, etc.) you don't even need to go to college, if you play your cards right, and follow the tips I will share with you below.

1. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING. Your attitude should be exactly this, and I cannot stress it enough. I even have this written on a post-it in my office: "That's all you got?!" It's the combination of, "Give me all your shit, but I'll still be enthusiastic and better than you, and I'll do all this with a smile on my face."

2. PROACTIVITY is the name of the game. Being ANTICIPATORY is the the single most important aspect of a job, and rising in the ranks.

3. NAIL YOUR BASIC JOB. Find out what the core stuff is, and dedicate yourself to that. Concentrate on the basics. Then later, once you excel at it, you can figure out ways to improve your time management, and do the job better. 

4. SEE THE BIG PICTURE and find out how you fit into your office, and its environment.

5. ALWAYS DO CRAP WORK WITH A SMILE.  Always. There's nothing people love more than to delegate work no one wants to do, on the entry level people. And that's FINE. Everyone has been entry level at some point, so pay your dues--You too, will get to delegate tasks you don't want to do some day. You are young, accept it. 

6. NEVER, EVER, COMPLAIN. Do you know how many people are unemployed in this economy? They can replace you in 0.5 seconds, and give your job to someone who is older than you, wiser than you, and has 3 mouths to feed who will gladly do your job.

7. IT IS NOT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO TELL YOU WHAT YOUR JOB IS. In fact, sometimes employers are purposely vague to see how you do the job, and to see what kind of initiative you have.

8. ARRIVE BEFORE YOUR BOSSES, and LEAVE AFTER THEM. Again, you are young, prove yourself, and be ready to be professional. You are never "too busy" or have plans that are "so great" to excuse this rule.

9. BE CONFIDENT, NOT COCKY. You cannot be shy. If you are, act. You want to appear like you are the president of the company. Confident. Firm handshake. It's great to meet these people, and you should be pleased to. EVERYONE has something to teach you. EVERY single person. Even the jerk you hate who talks to loudly in the cubicle next to you. They have experience that you don't.

10. BUT BE HUMBLE. You're young!!!! You're not entitled to anything because you have a college education and have had a few jobs-You and everyone else in America, buddy.

11. GO OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Do I want to be the best I can be? "Hey, I'd love to talk to you sometime, learn how you got to where you are..." LEARN from invaluable resources, while you can, and are employed and working in close relation with these people.

12. FIRST IMPRESSION IS EVERYTHING. Never come off as a college kid or intern. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. 

13. YOU ARE COMPETING AGAINST EVERYONE NOW. 

14. ^^^ TRUST NO ONE. IT'S BUSINESS. Don't tell anyone your intentions to get ahead, nothing. There is always someone watching, trying to take your spot, or trying to bring you down. It's sad, but oh so true.

15. YOU'RE GOING TO GET HOSED. People are going to do things that are unfair, and piss you off. Don't concentrate on it. It's never their fault. NEVER. I mean it. NEVER. Accept the blame, always. Accountability is what maintains relationships in business, and there is no greater punishment than a sour relationship with a coworker. Your work will be affected, productivity will be affected, and the workplace will be miserable.

16. ^^^THEY WILL NEVER GIVE YOU INSTRUCTIONS OR TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. Take the shot, and move forward with a smile. If anything, it will just piss them off that they didn't get under your skin.

17. NEVER APPEAR TO HAVE DOWNTIME. Always be moving, moving forward. There will be days you have jack shit to do. That's when you want to check in and see if you can help. Those are the people who get promoted, and that's how you get better, more interesting work to do. By offering to help with things you wouldn't normally, you gain more experience, and it's more fun because it breaks up your typical work load, and you prove your value. 

18. NEVER GO ON FACEBOOK. This will set you back months in your boss' mind. Even if you only did it one time, they will think you are always on social media, and that you're lazy for MONTHS before they finally forget they caught you that one time. Always find something to do. Worst comes to worst, read the NYTimes.com. Atleast you look like you want to be informed/worldly.

19. IT TAKES PEOPLE A YEAR TO REALLY, REALLY LEARN WHAT THEIR JOB IS, AND WHAT THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. Be patient. That sounds like an incredibly long period of time, but any VP will tell you that's true.

20. ASK QUESTIONS. BUT ONLY QUESTIONS THAT ONLY THE PERSON YOU ARE ASKING WOULD KNOW THE ANSWERS TO. Don't waste their time (and look stupid) by asking questions you can easily look up online. (Like, how do I write an invoice? Google it.)

21. PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD FOR A FEW MONTHS. Want to get ahead? Don't be yawning all day at work because you stayed out late partying. Trust me, they notice that stuff. They really do. It can wait. I'm not saying give up your social life, but be smart about it.

22. SOCIAL SKILLS CARRY A LOT OF WEIGHT. Be relatable. Be fun, but professional. Make yourself someone your coworkers WANT to help and spend time with. 

23. DON'T BE AFRAID TO NEGOTIATE. This can mean salary, benefits, etc. How can your employers value you, if you don't value yourself?

24. ASK QUESTIONS, THEN PROPOSE THE ANSWER. Don't ask, "When you do you need this by?" Say, "I'll get it to you by three, unless you need it earlier?" I made this mistake the other day. A mentor was calling me to discuss business, and we emailed back and forth arranging a time, and then he had to email me asking for my number. I should have automatically included that every time we discussed him calling me. So I was not proactive, and forced him to take another step! Unprofessional.

25. HAVE THE BEST POKER FACE AROUND.